As Within: Experiments in Intuition and Manifestation

Again a significant amount of time has gone by, with my apologies.

A lot has happened in the last few weeks, not the least of which is that once again, despite my previous post, things are on again with that certain someone.

I am not the most patient person sometimes. It is difficult for me to understand that when someone needs time, they probably need more time than my patience will allow. Even if that someone is me.

At any rate, a week or so after I posted my last entry, things took an unexpected turn. Things have continued to progress in a most surprising and positive way, and at the moment, I am actually quite happy. I am even going to visit him on the weekend.

In the meantime, the main reason for my silence has been threefold: Increase of workload at the office in preparation for year end, a chest cold that completely knocked me flat, and now yesterday’s wisdom tooth removal.

But that doesn’t mean I haven’t been having any fun. I did make it out to a couple of Halloween events and I bought a couple of books on mosaic-making. As part of my miniature gardening endeavour I would like to start making some of my own garden accessories, such as miniature patio stones. Quite looking forward to this project!

So whilst I am convalescing from my surgery yesterday, I intend to play with clay and such. I do have some work to do that I brought home with me, but currently I think the painkillers I’m on are not to be trusted with legal questions, so off I go to play in the mud

Oh, where do I begin…

I told you I’d tell you what it was like at rock bottom, but I’m not sure I want to go there. This particular flavour of rock-bottom is the lingering kind that comes with the non-mutual end of a relationship. We all know what it’s like, so let’s just establish that and move on.

I started this project on July 26, 2009. On July 30, I posted about my concern in delving into a book called Practical Intuition in Love because I was preoccupied by a certain individual.

Clever timing. Around the same time, that particular individual rematerialized in my life. I wasn’t entirely surprised, because I’d had a certain sense that things were unfinished when we broke up last fall, but the reason behind the renewed contact was a bit of a shock. He had decided to relocate to a different city and felt it important to spend some time with me before he left.

Well, he did leave. But before he left things got a bit out of hand. I’m sure no one is surprised by this, but despite the best intentions of keeping things casual (which never works for me) certain vulnerabilities were exposed and remaining detached became impossible for me.

I really did try. I even attempted to preserve myself by ending our contact before he moved, but I couldn’t keep my resolve. Writing that out sounds perhaps weak, or maybe even a little pathetic, I admit it, but at the time (indeed, even now) my subjective view was that spending what time I could with him outweighed the possible damage that would be done when it ended. (Love is not the most logical of things. Basic arithmetic need not apply.)

So now that he’s moved, things should be technically over, and they mostly are. I think.

Frankly, I’d rather they weren’t. He’s not sure what he wants; he is not that far away, but his life just underwent an enormous change and it’s too soon to see where the dust settles. Things are all rather up in the air.

Although we were not in an exclusive arrangement, dating other people in the meantime has not been going so well for me and I’ve decided to stop doing that for a while. The fact is that even if things are over (and who knows, maybe they aren’t), I certainly can’t effectively pursue other opportunities while my heart is bruised.

This guy is one of the reasons I took this project on in the first place. I have been under a cloud since we broke up last fall and despite having been in another, short-lived relationship since, he still occupies my thoughts consistently. I felt that in addition to just generally improving my life, perhaps it might be time to stop going easy on myself and force myself to move on. Hence my wry remark about clever timing, above.

I have since learned that perhaps forcing myself to deny, ignore or control my emotions is not the best possible way to cope and learn from the experience. The first thing I need to do is face up to the fact that despite the ambiguity of where things stand in my relationship with him, my feelings for him are at least crystal clear.

So now what?

We may not end up together and I need to accept that. I’d obviously like us to, but fate is not necessarily on that page with me. For now, it seems I will have to deal with things as they come, and they have come, at least for now, in the form of a loss. Despite the ambiguity, and while I’d like to have faith that things will turn out in the end, keeping my hopes up is not advisable.

What I need to do, I think, is revise my thesis. Nothing outwardly changes about the project by doing this, but internally, it changes a lot. Rather than viewing the project in a light of healing, I had instead been after efficiency. That would be my Aries Rising nature kicking in, as it always does when my over-emotional and over-analysing Libra sun and moon paralyze me, but as motivating as it is, it’s unrealistic and I know it.

I don’t know how (or if) things will turn out with him, and I suppose for now I will just have to try to accept that for what it is and worry about myself. So that’s what I intend to do, beginning back at square one.

As it turns out, almost immediately after I began this project, someone came along and upset the apple cart. This has resulted in a delay/setback of approximately three months.

I can’t blame him entirely for the delay; I did let it happen. Encouraged it, even. The time has come however to pick up all my apples and get back on the road.

In full disclosure, almost the entirety of my project and progress has sufferred since then, hence the noticable lack of posting. It has been rather moot to keep posting about my progress on the project when all I have accomplished is exactly what I’ve posted and nothing more:

I’m still stuck on module 3 (Sleep Control) of the Silva Method, having had my sleep pattern entirely disrupted due to the emotional rollercoaster I’ve been on.

With respect to the American Monk and Meditation Oasis aspects, I have not been able to quiet my mind enough to sit through them.

The Law of Attraction podcast has been entirely at a standstill except for my awareness that my emotionally negative circumstance is radiating outward and likely causing me self-propogation issues.

Ask Your Angels is back on the shelf, I’m sad to say, and much to Andriel’s dismay – patient though he is.

I haven’t read any cards in at least a month, and probably longer, and with each passing day I know I am getting rustier.

As you can see, my apples are all over the damn place.

My emotional life has dominated the last three months to the point of excluding almost all other things, and it took all of my remaining willpower to keep all of my commitments I’d made up to last week. This is a large part of the reason I decided to take my sabbatical from dance (now underway) and try and refocus on doing things I enjoy that have a lower commitment level. I was burning out. Thankfully, the break also allows me to take my time and start to deal with other issues, such as decluttering/organizing/purging a lot of the excess stuff in my house, and therefore my head (tidy house, tidy mind – it works). Small steps.

In the more material and creative realm (and the more “manifestational” side of the blog) I am making progress. I have picked up my knitting again this past week and it’s like coming home – I have missed it so. The gardening aspect is also coming along (I know, I owe you pictures), though slowly. I will need to do more decluttering before it can really take off.

So while materially, things are slowly gaining momentum, mentally and intuitively, in order to get my project back off the ground, I’m going to need to get into why the delay has affected me so deeply, and I’ll do that in my next post. I alluded to it with my picture-post about the fortune(s). It will be emotionally TMI, no doubt, but since the point of the blog is to chronicle progress onward and upward, I’m going to have to tell you what rock bottom is like.

Till then…

Out on a business trip, sitting in a hotel room in Philly. It’s (comparatively) warm here, at least, warmer than Ottawa.

I have so much stuff to show you! But not so much to tell. Stuff to show is all of the plants I spent the week putting into little containers and watching them revive from shipping-stasis to actually alive (they’re all bouncy and springy now!) and being perpetually amused by things like planting sedum in a champagne glass.

Unfortunately the physical manifestations of my gardens are all I’ve had a chance to work on, and my mental garden is once more falling by the wayside. After this week I suspect I will be able to begin refocusing on the meditation and intuitive cultivations (not to mention the card forum, which has seen much neglect from me of late). Things have simply been too insane. Come Monday next, I may be able to breathe, and perhaps ground and centre.

At least the gardening is good for that – grounding, I mean. I have my first major gardenscape well in mind! It shall soon be implemented, although as it’s indoor, I shall have to think of where I will put it… the office is a possibility!

Today is my birthday. Much like at New Year’s, many people find themselves reflecting upon their lives at the dawn of a new year, wherever it happens to fall on their calendar.

Although I have to encounter the day today along with a mild flu, it is nonetheless richer for each person in my life, whether they remember my birthday or not, and I’m grateful for each and every one of you.

My life has taken me down a winding and challenging road thus far, and I doubt it’s going to get any less interesting from here on out… Here’s to another year.

My previous posts about my meditatation place have jumped off into a whole new ball park.

I was thinking, as I mentioned, about doing a sort of diorama ’spirit garden’ (thanks to my brother for that term), and looking about online for resources to make that happen, when I accidentally stumbled upon gardens of the same scale that are actually alive.

Check out these wonderful links:

Two Green Thumbs Miniature Garden Centre (and Janit’s Blog)
Wee Gardens
The Miniature Garden Shoppe
Little Landscapes

For just a few… I also encountered about a hundred individual blog posts all over the web of people sharing their own tiny places.

Who knew?

So if I’m quiet, my apologies; I’ve been researching plants and miniatures as if there’s no tomorrow. Voraciously, is that the term? I think that’s the term.

In the meantime, taking on yet another hobby requires me to give up one in its place, and I’ve decided to take a sabbatical from dance.

I haven’t told you much about dance yet. I’ve been a tribal fusion bellydancer for the last two and a half years. When I found it (or it found me), I fell in love. I had previously tried two different types of what one would think of as “regular” bellydance, and it was almost what I wanted, but not quite. In January 2006, I started tribal fusion, and never looked back. In January 2007, I joined Shakti Fusion, the only tribal fusion troupe in the Ottawa area, and it quickly took over my life – not that I’m complaining.

Times change however, and I find myself needing to step back. I’m over extended – there’s a reason that the new hobby I’ve discovered is home-centred, and I know it. I’m not home much. My hallmark in highschool (and beyond) was my ability to hole myself up for hours and just be creative, and I miss that aspect of myself. Although with dance I have done much the same – hole up and be creative, that is, only with others – it lacks the quiet, contemplative and healing isolation of individual creativity.

The hobby itself is three-part. The first aspect is, obviously, gardening. We’re making miniature gardens. The second aspect is the hunt. The perfect plant, the perfect container, the perfect miniatures. The third aspect is creative – both in the design of the garden itself and arranging the aesthetics, and in making miniatures to compliment the gardens. This is the part that’s jumped off into a whole new ballpark, and I’ll tell you more about that later.

How does this tie in to manifestation and intuition?

As within, so without. As below, so above, and as microcosm…. on a 1:12″ scale no less… you see where this is going, right?