Oh, where do I begin…
I told you I’d tell you what it was like at rock bottom, but I’m not sure I want to go there. This particular flavour of rock-bottom is the lingering kind that comes with the non-mutual end of a relationship. We all know what it’s like, so let’s just establish that and move on.
I started this project on July 26, 2009. On July 30, I posted about my concern in delving into a book called Practical Intuition in Love because I was preoccupied by a certain individual.
Clever timing. Around the same time, that particular individual rematerialized in my life. I wasn’t entirely surprised, because I’d had a certain sense that things were unfinished when we broke up last fall, but the reason behind the renewed contact was a bit of a shock. He had decided to relocate to a different city and felt it important to spend some time with me before he left.
Well, he did leave. But before he left things got a bit out of hand. I’m sure no one is surprised by this, but despite the best intentions of keeping things casual (which never works for me) certain vulnerabilities were exposed and remaining detached became impossible for me.
I really did try. I even attempted to preserve myself by ending our contact before he moved, but I couldn’t keep my resolve. Writing that out sounds perhaps weak, or maybe even a little pathetic, I admit it, but at the time (indeed, even now) my subjective view was that spending what time I could with him outweighed the possible damage that would be done when it ended. (Love is not the most logical of things. Basic arithmetic need not apply.)
So now that he’s moved, things should be technically over, and they mostly are. I think.
Frankly, I’d rather they weren’t. He’s not sure what he wants; he is not that far away, but his life just underwent an enormous change and it’s too soon to see where the dust settles. Things are all rather up in the air.
Although we were not in an exclusive arrangement, dating other people in the meantime has not been going so well for me and I’ve decided to stop doing that for a while. The fact is that even if things are over (and who knows, maybe they aren’t), I certainly can’t effectively pursue other opportunities while my heart is bruised.
This guy is one of the reasons I took this project on in the first place. I have been under a cloud since we broke up last fall and despite having been in another, short-lived relationship since, he still occupies my thoughts consistently. I felt that in addition to just generally improving my life, perhaps it might be time to stop going easy on myself and force myself to move on. Hence my wry remark about clever timing, above.
I have since learned that perhaps forcing myself to deny, ignore or control my emotions is not the best possible way to cope and learn from the experience. The first thing I need to do is face up to the fact that despite the ambiguity of where things stand in my relationship with him, my feelings for him are at least crystal clear.
So now what?
We may not end up together and I need to accept that. I’d obviously like us to, but fate is not necessarily on that page with me. For now, it seems I will have to deal with things as they come, and they have come, at least for now, in the form of a loss. Despite the ambiguity, and while I’d like to have faith that things will turn out in the end, keeping my hopes up is not advisable.
What I need to do, I think, is revise my thesis. Nothing outwardly changes about the project by doing this, but internally, it changes a lot. Rather than viewing the project in a light of healing, I had instead been after efficiency. That would be my Aries Rising nature kicking in, as it always does when my over-emotional and over-analysing Libra sun and moon paralyze me, but as motivating as it is, it’s unrealistic and I know it.
I don’t know how (or if) things will turn out with him, and I suppose for now I will just have to try to accept that for what it is and worry about myself. So that’s what I intend to do, beginning back at square one.
